I’ve noticed lots of divorce recently, so I thought I’d write about it. But before we begin, let’s keep in mind that the spiritual teachers would say that no person or relationship defines who you are or has anything to do with your true worth. So that’s nice. Here we go…
There are supposedly around seven billion people on earth, and most of them are simply not compatible to live together as life partners. Sometimes they attempt this in what’s known as marriage, and at some point one or both of them realizes that it just isn’t working. If this is the case, they’re probably better off splitting up and parting ways. That’s fine. So why does is get so complicated? There are many reasons. Some of these reasons involve kids, a house, bank accounts, pets, other assets, etc. But those things have to be dealt with one at a time, and whether it’s smooth or contentious, they will be. These are not the reasons I’m interested in, though.
One reason that interests me regarding why divorce gets more complicated than it needs to be is that we call it “divorce” and then pile on our societal or cultural or religious beliefs about “divorce,” none of which are necessarily true, and then we have a much bigger problem than we had before. Otherwise, it’s just two people who are not compatible.
Dropping the story is especially essential for folks who have been divorced multiple times. The same rules we’ve been talking about still hold true – it’s just happened more than once. But the core of who you really are is unchanged and unfazed. Drop the story, let go of the pain that’s there (allowing it to first be there, of course), and continue living. At least you’ve given marriage a good try! But when someone thinks they’re damaged goods because they’ve been divorced more than once, that’s BS. It’s a story that is not true. Even if it seems like many people believe it, it’s still not true. Most people used to think the earth was flat. Think about that when you’re being influenced by mass beliefs or societal beliefs or cultural beliefs. The earth never was flat, but everyone believed it and they’d burn you at the stake if you said otherwise. I know that life can be extra stressful or painful when you’re going against mass belief. The truth is still true, though, so stick to your guns, be willing to let those feelings pass though you and run their course, and you’ll be much better off.
Another thing that makes divorce complicated is something we definitely can’t ignore – the pain. We all know how much pain can be involved with divorce or any breakup. Pain is inherent in something like this – it’s a built-in part of that situation. It’s normal, and there’s no avoiding it. It flows in, stays awhile, and flows out. Like always, though, we don’t want to make it worse by not feeling it and by letting our thinking run wild. Feel the pain without the story and it’s not nearly as bad. I mean, it’s there anyway, and this is the fastest way out. It can eventually run its course and leave rather than getting stuck.
The pain is compounded when one person wants it but the other person does not. Let’s face it – that feels terrible. It’s rejection, basically. The universal law of feelings still haven’t changed, though. At A Clean Mind, we are no longer afraid of feelings! That painful feeling flows in, it stays awhile, and it flows out. We remind ourselves that this pain is normal under the circumstances. If there is anything we can do about the relationship, we do it. If it’s over, though, we must face that fact. When we’re willing to experience that pain without the story, though, and meet it face to face, it can pass. This is just a case of when the pain is ramped way up. The volume is turned up. The same laws apply, though.
That’s my take on divorce and breakup in general. If it has happened, we must accept it, feel the feelings, and drop the story. This lets us handle any other details like kids, common assets, etc. much better than we otherwise would. And my firm belief as a logical math guy who has studied deep stuff far and wide is that the core of who you truly are at the end of the day, when all is said and done, is literally unchanged. We’ve covered up that truth with who we think we are, though, the character called Ashley, for instance, which pales in comparison to reality. Ashley is temporary. The spiritual teachers say who were really are is not temporary. I’ve said before that we’ll get deeper and deeper here at A Clean Mind as time goes on. In the meantime, though, if you’d like to discuss that type of thing feel free to contact me one-on-one. Other than that, I wish you peace, whether you’ve been divorced or not!