Relationships: Can We At Least Be Friends?

Posted Posted in Other Cool Topics

Here’s a quick post about relationships. As in husband, wife, partner, boyfriend, girlfriend – those relationships. It seems like I’ve had lots of clients recently who are having a tough time with their relationships. A really tough time. They’re always fighting and arguing. I couldn’t imagine living that way, because I decided not to twenty years ago and have been improving since. I’ve been far from perfect, but who cares? It’s definitely going in the right direction. WAY less fighting and arguing. It really does take two. Do you want to be right or happy? There’s lots of power in that. I got tired of being right all the time and just wanted to be happy. And I wasn’t right, anyway. Also, it’s not fun when someone else has to always be wrong. Let’s relax and come up with a solution together.

Anyway, I wondered what these people were doing together if they seemed to hate each other so much. I mean, these people are really mean to each other. And this is the person you love? And you’re always mean to them? It doesn’t make sense to me. It occurred to me about a week ago that the problem is that they’re no longer friends. I’m sure this is relationship 101, too. Remember that I am not a couples counselor. I allowed myself to get suckered into it once when I first started this gig, about three years ago. Once. I wanted these people out of my office ASAP. I wondered why the hell they were even together. And it was clear that at least one of them was lying since their stories were so ridiculously far apart. It makes for a good story now, at least. And I really do hope that each of them is truly happy now, whether together or apart.

As I type this, I think my friend Molly Kasper, who is an excellent couples counselor, told me about how important it is to be friends and how often couples lose that. So I know this is not new. I’d forgotten it, though, until it recently popped in my head. The problem is that they’re not even friends! It hit me like a ton of bricks. So simple and clear. So for those out there who fall into this category, I’d say just start over. Go back to the basics and try to be friends with your partner and go from there. Friends don’t say mean things to each other all the time. Friends don’t yell at each other. Friends work together to try to come up with solutions. It’s not this battle. Real friends, anyway. I know there are some less than excellent friendships out there. We’re going for authenticity. The real McCoy. Whatever that means. I’m sure the internet knows…

By the way, Molly can be reached at 850-889-1119 or if anybody is looking. Kristen Hartford is excellent as well, and she can be reached at 850-982-2899. Either way, I wish you all the best. As for me, I’m off to Sedona, AZ early in the am for a very cool weekend retreat with a very cool spiritual teacher. It’s a bit “out there” for most people, so I’ll talk about it when the time is right. Wait, you know what? The time is right. It’s a guy called Jayem from I love this stuff. So I plan on having my little personal ego mind totally blown open. Always a fun thing! I’ll be back next week ready to go. And then I get to do hours and hours of paperwork at my other job that I’ve put off. Sweet! Hey, I made my bed so now I will lay in it, all good. At least I’ll get paid. Peace out and all the best to you!

Low Moods

Posted Posted in Other Cool Topics, Uncategorized

I recently told you about a friend who needed a daily reminder to breathe, relax, and get out of her head. We decided to make her car be her sanctuary. After all, remembering is usually the hardest part. No big deal, this is only because we’ve been living a different way for so long.

This naturally leads to our own Self becoming our sanctuary. As in, you don’t need a car or anything else. It’s within you. If this sounds awesome, it is! And it’s true. Let’s be real, though, because we really have been living a more stressful way for a long, long time. So here we go… Low moods still happen. And they’re okay.

The main thing to understand about the work that we do here at A Clean Mind is that we’re feeling our thinking, 24/7. We’re not feeling the world directly because that’s not possible. We’re feeling our thinking about the world. There’s always that layer of thinking. And this is huge! Also know that a feeling is not separate from a thought. It’s actually just what that thought feels like. It’s the same thing, just a thought. And a thought has a feeling quality to it. That’s what we’re experiencing all day long.

So if I notice that I’m in a low mood, the first thing I do is, you guessed it, take a breath and relax! Then I look at my thinking. Most of the time, I’ll see right away where the mood is coming from. I’ver been worrying or something like that. If I relax into it and then simply stick to the facts of the situation, the feeling usually follows suit. Much of our thinking is invisible, though, so sometimes we don’t see it in the moment. When this is the case, that’s actually just fine. If we’ll simply let the mood be there and not hold on to it or make a big deal out of it, it’ll move faster than it would otherwise. There’s no need to overanalyze it or anything like that. I’d just see it for what it is and move on. Moods go up and down; that’s just what they do. When we see that they’re coming from our thinking, we can often see it right away and change our thinking. But when we don’t, we can still just let the mood be there and it’ll move on when it’s time.

I noticed that I was in a pissy mood a few weeks ago (pardon my French…) It was like I was wearing a cloak of badness. If that’s a word. Anyway, I didn’t really see exactly what the thinking was, but I didn’t make a big deal about it. I just noticed it, relaxed, let it be there, and went on with my day. I got a good night’s sleep, woke up the next day, and it was gone. No big deal. That sure feels better than resisting it, which is really like holding onto it. Holding onto what you don’t want. Just relax and let it be there. It’ll move.

Another word on when we don’t see our thinking… It has to always involve resistance of some kind, like the thought that life shouldn’t be exactly as it is right now. Since life already is that way right now, I’m going to lose that one every time. Byron Katie said this in a wonderful and hilarious way: “When you argue with reality you lose, but only 100% of the time.” I love that!

So there we go folks. When you start too see your thinking as the cause of your experience, you start to tap into the great power that’s inside of you all the time (yes, even when it doesn’t seem that way). And feelings flow through you more rather than getting stuck. Your overall mood rises in general over time, but we all still have low moods. No big deal. And there’s never been a permanent mood of any kind. So we can really relax and not make a big deal about it. There’s great power in this, people! I feel truly lucky to have learned this and also to be able to share it with you. And not to be too cheesy, but a song that I really love just came on at the coffee shop as I type this, so I’ll leave you with that. It’s called Luckiest Man by The Wood Brothers. Enjoy!